Various Jokes

Joke 1
Why are married men fatter than single men?
Single men see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married men see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Joke 2
A journalist asks a shepherd:
- I Want to ask you some questions about a news story.
- Of course. Ask me.
- How much grass do your sheep eat daily?
- The white ones or the black ones?
- The white ones.
- The white ones eat about 20 pounds of grass.
- And the black ones?
- The black ones eat about 20 pounds too.
- Can I ask something else? How much water do they drink?
- The white ones or the black ones?
- The white ones!
- These days the white ones drink a lot because of the heat. About 40 liters.
- And the black ones?
- They too drink about 40 liters.
The journalist is very frustrated, but continues asking questions:
- In the summertime when you shear them, how many pounds of wool do you get?
- The white ones or the black ones?
- The white!
- The white ones give about 200 pounds.
- And the black?
- The black ones give about 200 pounds too.
- Why are you doing this? Both white and black are the same!
- Because the white ones are mine!
- And the black ones;
- The black ones are mine too!


Joke 3
An old man who was 97 years goes to an insurer.
- Hello, I want to make a life insurance.
- Pardon, a life insurance, are you crazy? How old are you??
- 97 years old, said the old man.
The insurer:
- Are you serious now? What are you going to do with it?
- I want to take a trip abroad with my father and I thought it would be good to be insured.
The insurer has gone mad!
- With your father? How old is he?
- Eh, 125 next month.
- And what will you do abroad?
- Look, we’re going to visit my grandfather.
The insurer starts banging his head on his desk.
- What are you saying paps, are you kidding me? How old is your grandfather?
- He’ll be 142 in a week.
- And what will you do there?
- He’s getting married and we are going to the wedding!
The insurer hangs out the window and is ready to make the jump.
- And ... why is he marrying?
- His parents can get very pushy!


Joke 4
A lady with her child get’s into a taxi cab. While they were passing through Sygrou st. the young girl asks her mother.
- Mom, what are all these ladies doing here, all makeuped and barely dressed;
- They are women waiting for their husbands to finish work and pick them up.
Suddenly the taxi driver says:
- What are you telling the kid, they’re h@@kers!
For a couple of minutes nobody spoke. Then the little girl asks:
- Mom, do h@@kers have children;
- Of course my child, where do you think taxi drivers come from;!!!


Joke 5
One day a priest walks into a hairdresser’s salon, for a general service. The service was excellent, hair wash, haircut, beard, mustache, everything. He was very happy with the result (and from the nice girls that were smiling to him), and the priest asks how much for the haircut:
- Nothing Father, says the kindly owner. The shop offers it to our parish.
The next morning, when the owner goes to open his shop he finds a large parcel filled with Bibles and other books waiting for him at the entrance, along with a thank you card.
After a few days a senior police officer enters the hairdresser’s. After the amazing service, when he asks how much he owes he receives the kindly answer:
- You don’t owe anything. It is a small contribution to the important work of the police in our town.
And again the next morning, he finds a box full of beers and a gift card saying "Drink them to my health!"
A week goes by and a politician appears at the hairdresser’s. Ηalf the staff were grooming him. Of course, as expected, when he asked how much he owes, he got the famous answer of hairdresser.
- What are you talking about mr politician, I am pleased to being able to offer something to my country. It is on the house.
The next morning, when he arrived at the hairdresser’s to open his shop the man found ... ten politicians waiting in line for a haircut.


Joke 6
- Do you smoke?
- Yes!
- How many cigarette packs a day?
- 3
...
- So you smoke 3 packs a day that costs 5 euros, in 15 years time a total of 82.125 Euro!
- So, what??
- You know with that much money you could have bought a Ferrari;
- Can I ask you something too?
- Yes!
- Do you smoke?
- No ...
- Where is yours parked??


Joke 7
A cannibal from Africa is looking for a friend of his. He goes to where the neighborhood of his friend is and asks a passerby.
- Do you know where my friend Christos lives?
- No, answers the passerby.
The cannibal grabs and eats him.
Further down, he sees a woman and asks her:
- Do you know where my friend Christos lives?
- No, the woman replies.
The cannibal grabs and eats her too.
Further down he sees some kids playing, walks to them and asks:
- Do you know where my friend Christos lives?
- No, the kids answer and the cannibal grabs and eats them.
Then suddenly Christos turns up around the corner and when the cannibal sees him he opens his arms wide to welcome him and says:
- Where were you Christos? I “ate” the world to find you!


Joke 8
Α stutterer starts working his shift on a boat’s mast. On his first day at work he sees a boat. He begins to shout:
- Shshshshsh...
Before he could finish the sentence, the two ships collided and many sailors were killed. The next time the same thing:
- Shshshshsh...
Before he finished the sentence the two ships collided and many sailors were killed. The next day the captain gathers the sailors and tells them the next time they hear the stutterers’ words, they should jump into the sea.
After a few days the stutterer says:
- Shshshshsh...
Immediately they all jump into the sea, as the captain said. The stutterer looks at them shocked and finishes his word:
- Shshshshshark!!!


Joke 9
- I decorated my car this year for the Christmas.
- How did you do that?
- All the lights are lighted… gas light, battery light and service light!


Joke 10
Little Nicholas was praying.
- Dear God, please make Thessaloniki the capital of Greece!
- Why my dear? Asks his mom.
- Because that’s what I wrote in my Geography exams!


Joke 11
Two friends meet after many years:
- ... And this year my father died says one.
- Seriously? I remember being healthy! What happened?
- Look, one day while he was sitting in the rocking chair, he makes a strong swing forward and falls into the fireplace!
- Oh no! And was he burned alive?
- No, no. His head was fried a bit! But frightened, he falls back and drops onto the glass closet. All the cups, glasses and plates were broken!
- Wow! Awful way to die! In glasses and full of Blood.
- Oh, no, he didn’t die that way. With the speed he had gained he falls into our crystal table!
- What? In that big crystal tabler? He died there?
- No, no, the table was smashed and he gained even more speed and brakes the glass door and falls off the balcony railings.
- Holy crap! And you live on the 4th floor. That definitely killed him.
- Nope, the guy that lives on the flat below had just put his new tent, and so he bounced back up to our balcony, went back in through the door and fell onto our crystal lamp.
- And so he died?
- No, no. I killed him because he completely destroyed our house that old b@st@rd!


Joke 12
How is a woman, that always knows where her husband is, called?
Widow!


Joke 13
A 80 years old man goes to the doctor for a general checkup.
- How do you feel?
- I have never felt better. I am married to a 25 year old woman, with whom I’m having a wonderful time, and she is pregnant too. We are expecting our baby.
The doctor looks at him for a few seconds skeptically ...
- Let me tell you a story... A friend of mine, who was a hunter, as he was leaving home, instead of taking his gun, he accidentally took an umbrella. After walking for a long time in the forest, he suddenly saw in front of him a wild bear. So he raises his umbrella and tries to shoot the bear... and then the bear drops down dead.
- No way!!! Shouted the old man, somebody else shot the bear.
- Correct... replied the doctor.


Joke 14
A wife is real disaster in the kitchen. One night, her husband returns at home and sees her crying, he asks her:
- What happened, my dear?
- I had prepared a nice dessert for you, but the dog ate it, she told him, bursting in tears.
And the husband said to her:
- Come on now don’t cry, I’ll get you another dog!


Joke 15
One night Manolis was having dinner with his wife Maria, and says to her:
- So, Maria, it would be better if I died first. I’m nervous and you’re a calm person, you think better, you’re a housewife and I’m a loafer…
Listening to this the woman answers flattered:
- You’re not bad yourself, you sometimes act a bit stupidly. Nah, better I die earlier than you.
- No, Manolis interrupt her, I should die first…
- No, she interrupt him, I should…
At some time Manolis gets up and asks his wife to lie down, because he would go to the cafe. Maria lied down and at some time she heard someone knocking at the door. She gets up and asks curious who it was.
- It’s Death! A voice said behind the door.
Maria heard that and replied immediately:
- He went to the cafe, to the cafe...


Joke 16
A married couple goes to the doctor and the man tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him the last seven months. The doctor takes the woman into his office to talk to her in private. The doctor asks her:
- Why madam don’t you want to have sex with your husband? using a crafty pronunciation and accent.
And so she tells him her story:
- In the last seven months I get a taxi to go to my work, but I haven’t any money, and so the cab driver asks:
- Well you will pay today, or ...? So he give me the "or".
When I arrive at work I'm usually late and so my supervisor asks:
- Well you’re late, should I report you late, or...?
- So he gives me the "or" too.
To get back home I must take the taxi again and so the cab driver asks me again:
- Well, will you pay this time, or...?
- So he gives me the "or" once again. You see my doctor when I get back home, I am very tired and I don’t want to get some any more.
And so the doctor asks:
- Well, are we going to tell your husband, or...?


Joke 17
How can you turn a fox into a whale?
You marry her.


Joke 18
How many Japanese does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. The first changes the light bulb, the second poses and the third takes pictures.


Joke 19
What’s the name of Asterix’s DJ cousin?
Inthemix.


Joke 20
The cunning businessman, winks to his secretary, as says:
- Do you agree on a beautiful week abroad, you and I? It will look like a business trip!
The secretary immediately phones her husband:
- Hi sweetie, my boss and I have to go abroad for a week, so take care of yourself, ok, my love?
The trickster husband phones his secret lover:
- My wife will go abroad for a week, let's spend this week together.
The secret mistress calls her student which she is giving private lessons:
- I have serious work for this week, so you don’t need to come for lessons.
The small student phones his grandfather:
- Grandpa I have no lessons for this week, because my teacher has serious work to do. Can we spend this week together?
The grandfather businessman phones his secretary:
- Sorry, I have to spend this week with my grandson, so unfortunately we have to postpone this "business" trip we had arranged.
The secretary calls her husband:
- Darling, this week my boss has work to do, so we canceled our business trip.
The husband phones his mistress:
- Sorry, we can’t spend this week together. My wife canceled her trip.
The mistress teacher calls the young boy:
- I canceled the extraordinary work that I had, so, you will come regularly to your schoolwork.
The young student phones his grandfather:
- Grandpa, my teacher is finally free this week, and I have lessons normally. Sorry, but I can’t keep you company for this week.